It’s starting to be that time when people from my group are
trying to make a decision about extending our service or returning home. Before
the school year started, I was 100% positive that I wanted to stay for a third
year. Now…. Every day is a different thought. There are so many factors to take
into account, so many thoughts swirling around in my head like an overwhelming
leaf tornado that happens in the fall. You can rake up all of the leaves into a
nice neat pile, think you’ve made your decision and that it’s over. But then, out
of nowhere, something comes in and sweeps up all of the leaves, making them
swirl around above your head, just before scattering them across what used to
be seemingly perfect. This wind, this disruptive force, always seems to
surprise you the second you think you’ve figured it out. But no. It can’t be
that easy.
I’ve made pros and cons lists for all of my different
options. Pieces of paper filled with facts and emotions. None of which seem to
do any good in helping me to make my decision. I love my job and I love what I
am doing, but I also miss my family and still need to go to Grad school. I don’t
feel at home in the States and I don’t quite feel at home here. I don’t know
where I belong or which path is the correct one to follow. Every day I question
what I will do. To be honest, all options give me a fair amount of anxiety.
Staying here and reintegrating back into American society are both absolutely
terrifying for me. I’ve got until August (I think) to make my decision and it’s
definitely going to be one of the most difficult decisions that I have been
faced with up to date.
I could be ¾ of the way done with my service, or I could
only be reaching the halfway point. It might not seem like a big difference,
but when you’re living in a foreign place where you struggle to speak the language,
it is a HUGE difference. It effects your mental health in that you either know
you’re going to need to reintegrate soon, or that you’ve got an additional 18
months left feeling like an outsider. But for right now, I’ve decided I need to
focus on school, lose track of time, and try not to think about these things.
Sooooo school. We started in the end of January. My students
have been running their own clubs, I’ve started doing Grassroots Soccer
(Malaria and HIV Awareness/ Prevention program), and I’m running around like a
crazy person organizing trainings for the district level. This year I am doing
teacher training with fifty-six schools from our district in the hope to be
able to provide support to School-based Mentors who are supposed to be
organizing professional development for their schools. Trust me, it’s just as
much work as it sounds. If I were to say “oh, it’s not that bad”, that would be
a complete lie. The good thing is that it’s keeping me busy and engaged, kind
of working as a distraction from my own thoughts. Talking to other volunteers from
my cohort has helped; most of us are feeling the pressure and getting anxious
about our COS date in December.
Year two is very different than last year. I got to school
and was involved in the joyful greetings of colleagues who haven’t seen each
other since the end of October. I didn’t need to introduce myself to students
or scold them for calling me “umuzungu”; they all know my name this year. We
made the first draft of our timetable in record breaking weeks instead of
months. Guess who gets to teach “sport” this year? This girl! What is sport you
ask? Well, I don’t really know either. This term it has been me giving them a volleyball and a soccer ball
for forty minutes and watching them have fun. It’s the only class that the
students get to go outside for, so I am greeted with clapping and cheering whenever
I go into a classroom to take the kids out. It’s nice. It’s easy. BUT
apparently I am supposed to be giving an exam next week? We’ll see how that
goes..
Chicken update. I am now a successful chicken farmer. I have
five little babies right now and I love them. If I can keep eggs hatching, the
plan is to train some families in my village on the importance of chickens as a
continual source of protein and income, rather than just eating them right
away, and rehome my babies when they get a bit older.
